Harry Potter Humor

I found this list at Anna's Book Blog, and laughed so hard my sides hurt! It's long but it's good. Enjoy:

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate hat they are "covered in bees".



No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures Class.



Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project" for Herbology.



"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.



I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".



If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.



Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.



I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.



Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".



I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.



I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination Class.



Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine, even if I yell "Pwned!".



I am not a sloth animagus.



Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.



I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square of -1 is.



I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as fun as getting dirty".



There is no such thing as an Invisibility thong.



Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.



42 is not the answer to every question on the OWLs.



It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself soo seriously.



I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord list to suspected Death Eaters.



I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".



I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.



I will not teach the first years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".



I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.



I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror".



Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.



I am no the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.



It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.



Gryffindor courage does not come int bottles labeled "Firewhiskey".



First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.



A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.



It is not appropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.



I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions Class.



First-years should no be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.



I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.



When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only ONE!"



I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine".



I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.



I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.



There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. I am not a member of that house nor am I it's founder.



I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".



Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster" not "My Liege".



I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.



Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.



If asked in class what Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!!!" maybe correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.



I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.



Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.



A time turner is not a flux capacitor, and I should therefore not install one in any muggle cars.



I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.



I will not claim my X-Files tapes are Auror Training Videos.



When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce "There are not the droids you are looking for".



I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.



I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens.



If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.



I will not under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.



I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paint balling.



I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors In a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.



I will not give Hagrid Pokemon Cards and convince him that they are real animals.



I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.



I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.



I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible when wearing it and standing near the fire in the Common Room.



I will not yell "Believe it.... or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.



Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count as extra credit.



My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I'm not allowed to sign my papers as such.



There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.



I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.



I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.



Voldemort is not Ganandorf and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.



I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.



I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knight of the Round Table for the Christmas Feast.



I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".



I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.



I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.



I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.



I am not allowed to declare an official Hug a Slytherin Day.



It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF" every time I Apparate.



I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledor's office and use it to patrol the hallways.



I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.



It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.



I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.



"To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is no an appropriate career choice.



I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmasters office.



It is not necessary to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor.



I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"