Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Truth Hurts*

*or, Big Girls Do Cry

(I haven’t decided if I’m going to keep this post up, so if you visit me again and it’s not here it’s because it was really painful to write and maybe I’m not ready to lay it all out.)

So. J has been getting e-mails about our 20th High School Reunion. For some reason unknown to me, he is very excited about it. I am dreading it with a dread like no other. Don’t want to go. Nope, not at all. Not even a little. There are a couple of reasons for my lack of enthusiasm. I hated high school. I had a small group of close friends and that was it. J, on the other hand, had TONS of friends. I still wonder sometimes how we ever ended up together. He was very popular and outgoing, I was not. The only reason I got invited to a lot of places is because I was his girlfriend. There were a couple of occasions where even that wasn’t enough for an invite. So, while he can’t wait to see old friends, I’m dreading seeing these people who were popular as kids and heading right back into that mode of feeling left out. I know, I know, we’re adults now and it’ll be different, but you and I both know it never is.

Here we get into part of the problem (for me): I have a GREAT life. I have a wonderful husband and children, a job I really love, and a nice house and car. I’m happy. But…. I’m fat. There, I said it. When I go to that damn reunion, those people aren’t going to say anything about me except “did you see how fat Patti got”. Not, “it’s great that in this age of divorce they’re still together”, or “wow, we’re all getting older”, just, “damn, she got fat!” Say all you want otherwise, you all know it’s true, especially those of you who know the people who are going to be at the reunion. That’s part of the reason I didn’t like them in high school – they were petty and mean.

I was at Wal-Mart this weekend, and I ran into someone I hadn’t seen in a while. Nice, nice lady, I really like her and her family. She looked at me, looked at my stomach, and said “are you pregnant?” and when I said no, she asked if I was sick. When I answered no, she looked at me and back at my stomach and asked again if I was pregnant. When I said no, AGAIN, she asked if I was okay. WTF??? Apparently I look much worse than I thought. So:

Today I start WW again. I’m so frustrated and depressed about it in general that I’m going into it knowing that it’s not gonna work but I want to prove myself wrong. Is this a bad time to start? YES. Thanksgiving, Blue’s homecoming BBQ, Christmas, Egg Nog, the Office Holiday Party. But I really want this to work. Drug addicts, rapists, hookers, they can all walk down the street and hide what they are if they want to, but when you’re fat, you’re fat 24/7, you can’t get hide it. And people judge you, 24/7. And even though I have all those great things going for me, in my own mind, all it boils down to is that I’m fat. And I don’t want to be that anymore.

10 comments:

pops said...

I wish I could make some clever, insightful comment that would instantly cheer you up. Unfortunately, I know exACTLY where you're coming from. I can offer love, support, encouragement. I can affirm that you are beautiful, both outside and in, intelligent, stubborn, self-reliant. If people are so shallow that they judge you by how much you weigh, then they are just like those that judge you for what you where, what color your skin is, what church you attend. You are open, honest, caring, tolerant of others, and those that would judge you are far beneath you in terms of dignity and humanity. I understand your desire to lose weight, but lose it for YOU, not for them! I love you, too!!

pops said...

Make that "what you wear" not "what you where". :-)

Hannah said...

I wish I was there to give you a hug. Somebody give my sister a hug dammit!!

SSSPPPIIINNNEEEYYY!!! said...

Baby...All I can say is that after, drum roll please, 22 YEARS together, you are still the only woman that can complete me. It sounds mushy, but true. I am the evil to your good. I control with fear and you with a smile and a soft word. I do now and always will love you, and to me, you've never changed since I met you. I will help and support you in what you want to do, but your dad is right. You can only do it for yourself...nobody else.

Ellie said...

I didn't know the back in the Patti. I know the now Patti, not the fat Patti, but just Patti. I love you and admire you for WHO you are and not what you are.

PS: Take names Patti, Hannah and I will take care of the rest.

Ellie said...

**back in the day Patti**

Hannah said...

You damn right. Me and Ellie aint been in a good fight in a long while. I would be HAPPY to take care of anyone, anytime.

Patti said...

You guys are all so sweet. I'm glad I've got family like you!!!

Aunt Maggie said...

OK, I love you too....but I know EXACTLY how you feel and I'll make ya a deal. I'll diet with ya! How about we promise to aim for cutting down our junk food, cut down the portions now and then AFTER Jan. 1 (start on Jan 2 so we can party on the 1st) you and I eat right! For real!! And we will be each other's support. Deal?

Aunt Maggie said...

I want you to remember something else. You may not weigh what you want, but you can fix that. You can't fix bitchy and you can't fix stupid. And those people are both! And you are NOT the same person you were in high school. You have turned into such a wonderful mom and wife. (you've always been a wonderful niece)